Fran's Journal Fran's Journey of Hope

What a confronting subject. Death. Many times over the years I have fleetingly thought about how I would feel or think when my death became a reality.  This never having been the case in the past, my thoughts have been previously quite superficial.

Over the past 3 months with the changing of my situation, thoughts about preparing for my death have often wandered through my mind. Each time my musings hit on another aspect or thought that I had not considered. When having to consider it is part of reality, it becomes a complex issue. I think of things that I realise I never had explored before. And even now I don’t really want to explore. Too painful, too confronting.

I allow myself to explore death and preparing for my death because at sometime in the future it is my reality. At the moment while it is not imminent it is not so urgent an issue and therefore I am able to consider options, preferences and what I want in life/death. It still is just as emotionally loaded but at times I can distant myself from the emotion and think logically. The more I think of it the more I realise that I need to think about it and organise things in preparation.

Should I go through my things and throw lots of stuff sentimental to me only away?  Or should I leave it for others when I die? I really cant see Mike going through the stuff and throwing things away – I can see the house being cluttered till the day he dies and then who will be the poor person who has to do the clean out?

What will my condition in the time leading to my death? Will I be well and then suddenly go downhill or will it be a gradual decline? Will I be self sufficient till the end or will I need assistance with care needs? Who will care for me if I need it? Should I expect family to care for me at home? What community based care services are available? Will I be admitted to hospital? I don’t want to die at home – I think that would leave horrible memories in the house for Mike.

Throughout my life I have loved planning and organising. I have organised so much of my life, I am not going to miss out on the opportunity to plan my funeral! It will be the only one I get to plan! Wow. Where do you start? How do you choose a funeral director? Where will the service be held? What sort of emphasis do I want for the service?  What songs do I want at my funeral? What do I want to be buried in – my wedding dress? pyjamas? something else I buy? Where is the wake held? How many people should be catered for? I love flowers – so should I organise lots of flowers or will others provide flowers? Do I want anything special buried with me? Lots to think of!

But in pondering all this, at the moment there is no fear. It is going to be my release to a place of great joy, no more suffering and much beauty. Sure I am jumping the cue, but hey, I will be hanging out in heaven eagerly awaiting to catch up with you all when your time comes. And in that interim, I will be keeping a watchful eye out and hopefully there will be times you feel the quiet hand of a watchful guardian on your shoulder – that will be me.