Still not much journalling of recent. I guess I feel in a limbo land. Waiitng to see what the scan will say after the next cycle. Still another 3 1/2 weks to wait.
I dont know honestly what I want the results to be. It sounds so nice to think that there would be no more chemo. With 9 1/2 weeks to go it still seems like a never ending journey of unpleasant life. Too hard and too much work. So being told that the chemo could be cut short is WOW!, how nice. But then if it is that chemo is not effective, OH NO!, my prognosis goes quickly down hill and how long will I be expected to live? That would be very confronting to think there was not much hope. So overall I think that doing the full course of chemo is the option that I really want.
I am basically a lazy person at heart. If there is an easy way to do this, I would have taken it. That is why I struggle with the chemo. It is not the easy way.
Also I still despair that the side effects will not really wear off after I finish treatment. It has been for so long that eating and drinking is a non event, that I worry that my taste buds will forget how they are supposed to work and that I will never get back to tasting. The drug information says “Normal taste will usually come back after the treatment finishes” I don’t like that “usually”, I want it to say “always”, because it makes me worried mine wont come back!!
I know that sounds so trivial considering the potential impact that the chemo may be having in reducing the tumors and giving me a bit longer to live.
The reality of that I have cancer hit me again this week. I happened to have my hand on my middle upper abdomen region for no particular reason and notices a hardness that went from the right next to the ribs to the midline just below my breastbone. it gave me a shock, because it was my enlarged liver. I had not felt that before. Even though I have had numerous scans, blood tests and recently pain that tells me that I have cancer with liver metastasis, I experienced the weird thought of ” oh, so all this is real, I do have cancer and it is progressing”.
Dear Frances and Mike
It’s been a while and we’re sorry for that, but it’s been a case of wanting to but never knowing what to say. Which, by the way, we have to add we still don’t. We have been following your journey and wish there was something we could do to make all of this go away.
We admire your strength and courage that comes out through the journal and encourage you to stay focused, while we hope and pray with you for a positive outcome.
You are both always in our thoughts and as soon as we get back to Brissie we’ll catch up to pay you out.
Take care and best wishes
Chris,Les and Holly
Comment by Chris and Les — January 1, 2009 @ 4:08 pm
Dearest Frances,
Nate and I have been following your thoughts ever since you told us and corrected us about the address for you website. An incredible and admirable creation by your dearest friends. This has given us a chance to follow your feelings when we are absent or are unaware of your emotional status.. It is very inspirational to us all of your hard work and determination. Not only is it difficult to go through chemo and cancer, but also to lose a mum and a sister through the same fete. One can only imagine the pain. The drugs that you are taking that say ‘usually come back’ I would say is just to cover them. I have no doubt that your taste buds will return and you can continue to make fantastic pizza’s/fish/roast. It is a matter of strength and persistance. And we are all extremely proud of you. No matter the outcome, we will be there. Even if you continue to fake being sick. lol.
Comment by Jess — January 2, 2009 @ 4:58 pm