I have been quiet for the past few days as it has been an emotional and mentally draining time.
Having my family here for my nephew’s wedding on Saturday gave me the spark to get through the first few days after discharge. (Also they had filled me with IV fluid so I was over hydrated on discharge for a change.) I have had my parents, sister and hubby stay and still have another brother and niece to stay this week. At the wedding I saw many family and caught up with several friends from days gone by. The wedding went smoothly and the predicted thunderstorms did not really eventuate, so the rain that occurred did not affect the reception that was held in the park.
But with people coming, it also means saying goodbye when they have to go home. And with my prognosis being somewhat up in the air at the moment, it heightens the unknown things of the future.
Probably because the weekend was very physically taxing, it would be reasonable to expect that I would struggle mentally afterwards. I have not journaled becasue I did not like the negativity of my thoughts and the lack of will to fight on any more. I knew I owed it to everyone to keep on fighting.
I know I should not think about the “what if the chemo is not doing anything”, and “why am I putting myself through this chemo and making myself feel so sick when I was feeling ok before I started”. I get sick of fighting every moment to make myself eat and drink, when my brain is saying “Yuk”, my taste buds taste nothing but a creamy / buttery sometimes metallic non event taste all the time and gives no pleasure to eating. I know that I desperately need to keep eating because my muscle and fat stores are wasting away and there is no padding left over my bones. It is all so logical, but I just don’t feel like eating or drinking anything. And over the last few days I did not have the energy to stay on top and believe this is all worthwhile.
Today I have regrouped and God has given me the energy to start to claw back purpose to my life. My friend Karen is here overnight and just having her in the house has brightened my spirits.
Maybe I will be around for a good period of time after chemo and there will be quality to my life again. I should not be so shortsighted and only see life in terms of how I feel now. But on those down days, I cant see that I will have energy again to do the things that I want to, to entertain, to taste food and enjoy eating or be able to contribute to the family rather than lie down all day trying to get the energy to stand up and have a shower or pour a drink.
I read in magazines or see on the news etc those famous people who have battled with cancer. They have had fight. They sound like they powered through the experience and come out the other side. Why cant I be like them? Surely they struggled. Surely I am not the only one who has a rough time with chemo?
Dear Fran,
I read your latest entry, and can cry with you. In my years as a nurse, your fight, feelings, and thoughts appear to be about even par! Your faith though appears to be the thing that will help no matter the outcome. It is great to see so much faith response in your writings, despite the problems you are facing. Our prayers are still there at least twice a day, for spiritual strength, for you to feel God’s arms around you, no matter the level of emotion, and for comfort, so you continue to feel the love that we all have for you, and be strengthed by it. And of course, we remember Mike along with you in these prayers!
With Love
Stephen (and Lorraine)
Comment by Stephen Simon — December 18, 2008 @ 9:03 am